A program concept whose time has unfortunately come
Steve Evangelou
For the computer industry, the l-word (layoff) is the crazy aunt down in the basement--there's no way to get rid of her, and you know she's going to pop her head up sooner or later. Sure, a company can scare off some people by freezing salaries and canceling the Friday beer bust. Or they can try early-retirement incentives, and risk losing their best employees. But sooner or later, it always seems to get back to the l-word.
In an industry that offers 17 different desktop organizers, you'd expect someone to be working on new approaches to this problem, and you'd be right. One software company has instituted an Employee Departure Bonus Program. Instead of paying a bonus for getting a friend to join the firm, the EDBP offers a sliding scale of paymen
ts for each employee hounded into leaving the company. Demoralizing a vice president of marketing into jumping ship earns a $1000 reward, which is a lot cheaper than a golden parachute. In fact, the EDBP has been so successful there is hardly anyone left to depart.
Even more promising are a bunch of new layoff programs that are filling an ever-expanding market niche. Layoff software is any program used to minimize personnel costs or otherwise smooth the process of laying off employees. These programs won't make layoffs go away, but they can make them a lot easier to deal with. Consider the following marketing literature for Layoff Pro, coming soon from Belly Up Software of Novato, California.
Customer Profile: Layoff Pro is aimed at the following group: employees.
Multiple resume formats: Layoff Pro has more than 20 editable resume formats, each designed to be both eye-catching and impressive, giving new luster to the same old job experience. Popular formats include:
Senior Software En
gineer: Regardless of where it is printed, your resume will look like it came from a dot-matrix printer. It includes Acronimm Generator (AC) and Random Mispeller (RM) (we're using both on this dcoument) for genuine techie feel.
Technical Writer: Your capabilities are explained in words and phrases so simple even a user could understand them. Correct grammar, spelling, and punctuation guaranteed.
Project Manager: Using the special thesaurus with only positive adjectives, you can turn termination into career adjustment opportunity with the touch of a key! Jargon Expander algorithm makes you sound like an expert without knowing anything.
Job prospect database: Updated quarterly to remove any companies that have had recent layoffs of their own.
Cover-letter generator: Uses our patented auto-brag technology, which enables you to claim sole responsibility for any project you were even remotely involved with.
Letters of reference: Choose from Bill Gates, John Sculley, Scott McNealy, Hillary
Clinton, and other heavyweights. Includes imitation letterhead.
Layoff etiquette: Layoff Pro includes an on-line guide to correct office behavior under the stress of layoffs, either real or impending. Topics include: spotting the next layoff, exit interview do's and don'ts, investment opportunities for severance pay, and inexpensive disguises for the unemployment office.
Quick erase: This feature lets you quickly and permanently erase any embarrassing personal letters or game software from your hard disk or any disk accessible through a network connection. (Not to be used for important company data.)
Belly Up Software plans to release the following related products in the near future:
Layoff Pro II: This release will address additional market segments, including doctors, lawyers, Indian chiefs, rich men, poor men, beggars, and thieves.
Expense Slasher: This utility randomly deletes items from your current home budget; works with most popular spreadsheets and finance programs.
L
et's Make a Deal: Set up like the familiar TV game show, this program dispenses helpful negotiating tips for dealing with banks, utility companies, car dealerships, and collection agencies.
Best Offer: An on-line guide to running a successful garage sale.
Bankruptcy Pro: Everything you need to know about filing for Chapter 11.
Layoff Pro is not vaporware--my boss left a beta copy in my in-box the other day. My only question is, am I supposed to review it, or is this his idea of a subtle hint? Let's see now, how does that spotting-the-next-layoff feature work?
Steve Evangelou works for himself as a freelance writer in Oakland, California. You can contact him on BIX c/o "editors."
Layoff Software
