to, has come up with a nifty new product called Doggie Don't, which combines cell-phone technology with a miniature car alarm.
Doggie Don't may exist at the fringe of legality, but it is sure to create a huge market for itself. The whole thing is the size of a big wad of chewing gum. The outside
consists of latex chewing gum laced with extract of beef. The inside is a battery-powered mini car alarm joined to a cell-phone receiver. You feed the whole thing to a dog, especially an annoying bark-bark-barking dog. Barking dogs love the taste of Doggie Don't. They happily gobble it down.
Doggie Don't has a second, separate component: a cell phone. You can use your own cell phone, but the manufacturer conveniently includes one in the package, just in case you need it. When you come across a dog that won't stop barking, toss it some Doggie Don't. No matter how much Rover is frothing at the mouth, he will not resist the temptation to gulp down a yummy wad of chewing gum that tastes like beef.
After the hound has taken the bait, you can stroll to a nearby park bench, wander down the road, or just stand where you are. It makes no difference -- you are simply selecting the best spot from which to watch the proceedings. You then take out your cell phone and dial the number assigned to the D
oggie Don't that poochie just swallowed. Scant milliseconds later, Rover's insides will commence wailing and howling something fierce. The dog will immediately stop barking.
This product is reusable. In three to five days, Doggie Don't will have passed through, and from, the dog. Finding and retrieving the unit is a snap. You merely dial its number, then follow the alarm sound. Of course, pranksters will have a field day with this product, but that's the price we pay for having such flexibly useful technology.
Techno-Intestinal Feedback
Q-SMITH has a companion product to Doggie Don't. It is called Doggie Do. The technology is the same, but instead of a loud car alarm, Doggie Do makes the familiar soft beeping sound that comes from most cell telephones. This is a useful tool for conditioned-response canine obedience training.
Doggie Do has not one but two phone numbers assigned to it. Dial the second number and instead of beeping, the Doggie Do unit makes a cat-p
urr sound. It is profoundly thought-provoking for a dog to hear a cat-purr sound coming from its own innards. There is a mixture of (a) prideful delight at the thought that "Maybe I just swallowed a cat!" and (b) dismay at the nagging notion that "Maybe I
am
a cat!" Psychologically, this prepares the dog not only to accept criticism, but to use that criticism to effect meaningful personal change.
Marc Abrahams is the editor of the Annals of Improbable Research. You can contact him by sending e-mail to
marca@improb.com
.
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