The Sporting Life

By Lincoln Spector

October 6, 2003

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Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the final round of the Special, Non-Athletic Windows Olympics, where users from around the world compete to see who can actually use their computers.

And what a week it's been! In the first round, 23 contestants tried to move highly-formatted text from Microsoft Word to Microsoft Publisher through Microsoft FrontPage and finally into Microsoft Outlook Express. In round two, the remaining 11 contestants tried to hide the Windows XP taskbar so that it stayed hidden.

And now, for the final round, the four remaining contestants will prepare to transfer programs, data, and settings from old, Windows 98 computers to new, XP-based ones. What an exciting challenge this will be!

Before we begin, let's take a look at the four amazing geeks who made it this far. Every one of them is deserving of that ultimate award that every computer professional craves: a real job with benefits.

Franklin D. Nokworthy is a system analyst from Newark, New Jersey. He specializes in online database security and last worked in 2001.

Shirley Pitts is a freelance journalist specializing in new technology. In the last eight years, she has been published in 16 computer publications, three of which have not gone under—yet. She hails from a Massachusetts town with an unpronounceable name.

Snitz Edwards is a househusband from El Paso, Texas who personally asked me not to mention that.

Our final contestant, Elmore Gnu, is a man with real staying power. This programmer from Palo Alto, California hasn't worked since 1999!

Okay, folks, the big moment is at hand. The finalists are settling in front of their desks. Their hands are poised at their keyboards…the referee is raising the starting gun…and…

The gun is fired! Wow! This is exciting! The bullet smashed into the audience and wounded AOL Founder Steve Case! Listen to that crowd roar!

But our finalists aren't paying attention to the crowd. They're examining their Windows 98 machines and deciding where to go from there.

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