The Family that Censors Together

By Lincoln Spector

June 5, 2006

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The Internet is a vile, dirty, and dangerous place, filled with temptations to corrupt the innocent mind. From such horrible filth, all teenagers must protect their parents.

I am not exaggerating. Adults spend an inordinate amount of online time perusing news and political Web sites--an activity that makes them cranky and prone to tantrums. They also use the Internet to check on their bank account balances; that leads to stress and insomnia. They read far too many online articles about the dangerous things children are doing on the Internet.

Worst of all, they form their own online community on sites like GetOuttaMyspace.com. Here they talk about inappropriate adult subjects like business, real estate, and healthy lifestyles. Sometimes they even flirt with each other. Can you imagine a bunch of middle-aged fogies flirting? Not a pretty sight.

Unfortunately, you cannot monitor your parents' computing habits 24/7. They may object to putting their PCs in a public room. Many of them own laptops with which they can sneak to an Internet cafý for a round of illicit surfing. Some even have access to the Internet at an alternate location, usually referred to in adultspeak as "work."

What can you, the loving adolescent, do about this? You must buy and use protective software that blocks sites, monitors your parents' online behavior, and generally makes sure that they behave in a way that won't embarrass a 17-year-old. (Disclaimer: We cannot actually guarantee that any of the products discussed below will keep your parents from embarrassing you.)

The Spy That Came in on the Old

First, you need a program that monitors your parents' online activities. We recommend StalinSoft's Keylog Global Buffer. Just install KGB on your parents' computer and it will report everything back to you. You'll be able to see what Web sites they visit, who they're sending email to, and what they're saying when they're IMing their friends--in the unlikely event that your parents are cool enough to IM anyone.

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