A Little Bit of Charity

By Lincoln Spector

July 3, 2006

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Talk about disaster! Bill Gates is retiring from Microsoft to devote himself full-time to charity. What could be worse?

Okay, that sounds a odd. But look at it from my point of view. I write computer humor. I need a bad guy, and for nearly 20 years, Bill Gates has fit the bill like dirt on a mousepad. He's appeared in this column as Macbeth, Charles Foster Kane, and Yertle the Turtle; I can't just turn him into Gandhi.

Worried about how Gates' new life would effect my own future, I paid a visit to my favorite psychic, Madame Malone, bringing her my usual gift of flowers, a handful of smooth pebbles, and a very large check.

"What's ahead for Bill Gates?" she asked as she peered into her crystal monitor. (Madame Malone used to use a ball, but has recently switched to an extremely fast broadband connection that delivers packets before they're actually written.) "His organization, The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, will work in American High Schools toward the goal of lowering the drop-out rate and increasing the number of graduations."

"It's already doing that," I protested.

She shook her head. "He will take it to another level. Within three years, all diplomas will require activation. It's a way to protect academic property rights.

"The Foundation will also do its best," she continued, "both in the media and in the courts, to eliminate open-source education."

She paused as she studied the screen. "Then he's going to take on Habitat for Humanity."

"What?"

"He will start a new project, Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation Housing. With the help of volunteers, it will build homes for the needy."

"That sounds like a worthy..."

"Wait! There will be trouble. Many volunteers will object to the expected 18-hour workday and seven-day workweek. Some will stick around because of the stock options, while others will point out that stocks in a non-profit aren't very promising."

"Will the houses get built?" I asked.

"Eventually," she answered me. "But expect delays.

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